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Never in my life could I have guessed that a ten-minute trip could change my life so extensively. December twenty-eighth at approximately twelve-thirty am I told my sister how much I loved her, and said good bye for the last time. I few minutes later I left Casey House Hospice to go to my friend's house for the night. I was emotionally and physically drained from the day's events, and I needed a break from all the friends and family members that meaning well, were in fact smothering me. Lying in bed half an hour later, I found it hard to sleep because my mind was alive with bursts of thought. I wondered what life would be like after my sister died, and how I was going to deal with it. I also wondered if my relationship with my parents, which was already rocky, would suffer or benefit from the great loss that we were about to encounter. At five-ten am on the dot of that same day, the phone rang and two minutes later my friend's parents who happen to be the pastor of the church and his wife, came in announcing the death of my sister. There and then started the trip that would change my view on life and my life itself, forever. I quietly rose from the bed I was in, walked out of the house, and got into the back seat of the car. I was oblivious to everything going on around me; I was literally numb. The scenery was just a blur rushing by me. All I felt was a faint tingling sensation in my fingertips and toes.I always thought that my reaction would be so much different. I always thought that I would cry, kick, scream, and ultimately refuse to believe that my sister was no longer alive. Not a single tear was shed, nor a single word uttered during that car trip. I was shocked into silence and numbness. But I did cry, later on when I thought no one was looking. I crawled into a big overstuffed chair in the corner of a darkly lit room and let it all out. But still I never imagined the pain I would have to face after getting over the initial shock.
It has been almost a year since the untimely death of my twenty-seven year old sister. Many of the wounds have healed but some have only begun to close. Most people do not experience the loss of such a close family member so early in life, and therefore do not experience the effects of it first hand. As much as they may sympathize, they still do not understand the pain and suffering that one goes through. Many people fail to realize how hard it is to come to terms the loss of a loved one, and in turn they say insensitive things without even knowing it. An example of this would be a recent conversation I had with one of my friends. I was telling her how September eleventh is an especially sad day for me because it is the day that my sister had her first brain surgery to remove the new tumor that had grown over her optic and facial nerves. I was also telling her how strange it was that it had been almost a year since that date, since I could still remember it like it was just yesterday. Trying to comfort me, but failing miserably, she told me that I should stop being sad and get over it. It had after all almost been a year. "Isn't that enough time to get over it?" she wondered.Another example of how insensitive individuals can be is when an acquaintance of mine heard the news of my sister's death and went on to say "I'm sorry. I'm sure it would have been easier on you if she had just hurried up and died," in a futile attempt to be comforting. Neither of them meant any harm with their comments, but they just did not understand the difficulty of coming to terms with death. And they obviously failed to understand the importance of that trip.
The trip to the hospice, and the events following it had a great impact on my life. It is by far the most important trip and series of events that I have encountered, and although no one denies that it was an important trip, many fail to realize just how great an impact it has had on my life.Directly following my sister's death I became very depressed. I found it extremely difficult to get out of bed in the morning and go to school. When I was in school, I did not pay attention. As a result of this my grades suffered greatly. My friendships also suffered a great deal. I refused to talk to anyone, see anyone, or even leave my house. I was a prisoner of my own pain, and I was becoming a bitter person. But the impact it had on me was not just negative. After a few months I began to see things clearly again. I started talking to my friends, and wanting to leave the house. As things got back to normal many of my views on life were changed. For one I decided that life and the relationships we form throughout it were too precious to take for granted. Now I make sure that my friends and family know that I love them and care for them. I do not just assume that they know now already. I try to see the positive side of things, what I can learn from each experience whether it is good or bad. I work hard to achieve the goals I have set for myself, because I am after all living on borrowed time and I want to make the most out of it.This event had also made me re-evaluate the things I hold important in life. I used to put myself before anyone else, and it made me realize that that is not the way it should me. As clich as this may sound, the happiness of the people I care about is much more important than my own. Seeing them enjoy life and be happy makes me happy as well.The car trip to the hospice that forced me to face my sister's death changed me more for the better than anything else.
Not everyone has experienced death the same way that I have. Not everyone has dealt with it the same way that I have. Not everyone has been changed by it the same way that I have.Everyone that has experienced a death in his or her immediate family has experienced it in a unique way.No two people have had the same exact hang ups in dealing with it, and no two people have had the same exact outcome. The experience varies depending on how close you are to the loved one that is lost, and how good you are at dealing with turbulent thoughts and emotions. Even someone in the exact same situation will deal with it differently, and his or her outcome will be different as well. Everyone has their own way of dealing with death and trauma in general, and that is what has made my experience a unique life experience.
The most important trip I have ever taken in my life is that short ten-minute car ride to the hospice. The car ride that brought me face to face with the loss of a loved one. The car ride that allowed me to experience for the first time the numbing pain that comes with the death of someone you love so much. The car ride that prepared me to face that pain all over again, as I undoubtedly will have to. It has changed my life for the better and for the worse. I have lost someone so close to me, but I have gained so many different views on life. I have experienced great sadness, but I have found joy.I have become a better person, even though I am no longer whole for a part of me that can never be replaced has gone on to a better place. This experience has been so unique to my life and has had so many effects on me that they cannot be counted.This by far has been the most important story I will ever tell.
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